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  1. #1
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    Default Sharing your discoveries sensitively

    Not strictly about writing up history but felt the best place for the topic. How do you get around sharing information with people that might come as a surprise such as family members they've never heard of or things ancestors did that were a bit unexpected. I'm not the most tactful person at the best of time so could be liable to screaming out as I discover things, how do you sensitively approach given information to family?

  2. #2
    thewideeyedowl
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    Default "If in doubt, say nowt."

    I think you have to be very careful, as you rightly surmise.

    I have had this problem with two totally unexpected illegitimacies in the generation immediately above me; they came about for different reasons, which I will not publicise here. One I have mentioned - all parties are dead - but even then, it was a 'gobsmacking' surprise to the descendants, basically because they are not quite who they thought they were. And that's upsetting. The other I have mentioned to only one relative, who is as shocked as I was but very discreet; otherwise that illegitimacy must just remain a secret until further years have passed.

    That said, I now see some of the past of my family very differently because I now know that two people I knew well grew up living a lie. (And what does it matter, some might say.) I bite my tongue. It is one of the things you have to come to terms with when you delve into 'family history' (which, of course, is not the same as the 'family hagiography' of well-edited memories).

    Just a personal view here, and it doesn't really help (sorry).

    Owl

  3. #3
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    Just a personal view here, and it doesn't really help (sorry).
    It does help. I think you're right. The reason we do this is usual to find stuff out that we might not have been told by the family, or they might frankly not know about if we'd not looked for ourselves, as well as a natural curiosity. Thankfully I haven't found out anything completely unknown yet as far as I'm aware. I tend to keep my discoveries to myself anyway as much of would require a lot more certainty to share (bloody common names), but one day I want to sit down with a few family members and share the research. I suppose the best way to do this is to ask people about family and let them tell you what the surprises might be by asking them open ended questions, last time I did this with a family member they gave me for more surprises than I could have dreamed give them and much nicer information than I'd get from records.

  4. #4
    Knowledgeable and helpful stepives's Avatar
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    If it's 'too close to home', why do you think you should be the one to tell them. If it's a good while in the past, I've found a lot of relatives laugh at it, or show little concern.

    If it's your very close direct line, but not theirs, let them find out. I am convinced(with DNA) one of my brothers is only a half sibling(Mum went astray, Dad never knew), why should I burst his bubble, as he's known us to be family all his life from birth. In our late 60's now, so I'll leave well alone.

    After all, Family History is a hobby for most, not a lifestyle. And I doubt there are not many of us who are qualified Family Councillors.

    As you say your self, you're not very tactful. So with that in mind, you may be the last person they'd like to hear from. Tact, care and understanding as well as empathy. I feel you should leave well alone, and let a person with more tact tell them.......a professional person of sorts.
    Too many bones, too much sorrow, but until I am dead, there's always tomorrow.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by stepives View Post
    If it's 'too close to home', why do you think you should be the one to tell them. If it's a good while in the past, I've found a lot of relatives laugh at it, or show little concern.

    If it's your very close direct line, but not theirs, let them find out. I am convinced(with DNA) one of my brothers is only a half sibling(Mum went astray, Dad never knew), why should I burst his bubble, as he's known us to be family all his life from birth. In our late 60's now, so I'll leave well alone.

    After all, Family History is a hobby for most, not a lifestyle. And I doubt there are not many of us who are qualified Family Councillors.

    As you say your self, you're not very tactful. So with that in mind, you may be the last person they'd like to hear from. Tact, care and understanding as well as empathy. I feel you should leave well alone, and let a person with more tact tell them.......a professional person of sorts.
    I wasn't really thinking very close family. I've already decided unless I'm asked to find something out anything less than 4 generations back is a no-no as there's still people alive (not many though) who some things could come as a shock to (thankfully, not found any yet). I think it also depends on the nature of the discovery (for example if it's something people would laugh at or if it's something best left alone, if an ancestor did a runner most people would just go good on them and move on with their life, if it turned out that a cousin was actually your mother or a suicide was actually a murder, why ruin their healthy relationship by telling anyone?)

    I was mainly joking on the tact side of things.

  6. #6
    Loves to help with queries
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    One of my cousins did a good bit of research on my father's tree and stopped in the mid 1740s. Another cousin and I did more research and it looks as though my 4th great grandfather was probably illegitimate. My uncle isn't speaking to me (father of first cousin mentioned) and now I realize why she stopped. I had no idea anyone could get so upset about someone from the 1700s, cicilysmith

  7. #7

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    It's always hard to work out how people from different generations will react, and so I have a general policy (much like the BG one) that I don't share info on (potentially) living people or their parents, unless I know the recipients well. Even then, I can be surprised by reactions - my Mum (would have been in her 90s by now) was very underwhelmed when I told her (with great amusement) that one of her line in the 17th century had been done for shooting a trespasser... He got off. She didn't want people to know!

    This is my hobby, I don't have the right to upset people, especially where family relationships are concerned.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by cicilysmith View Post
    One of my cousins did a good bit of research on my father's tree and stopped in the mid 1740s. Another cousin and I did more research and it looks as though my 4th great grandfather was probably illegitimate. My uncle isn't speaking to me (father of first cousin mentioned) and now I realize why she stopped. I had no idea anyone could get so upset about someone from the 1700s, cicilysmith
    That does seem a little bit over the top for something that happened such a long time ago - especially as you're merely the one who uncovered it. Hardly as if he could be old enough to know the people involved?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lesley Robertson View Post
    It's always hard to work out how people from different generations will react, and so I have a general policy (much like the BG one) that I don't share info on (potentially) living people or their parents, unless I know the recipients well. Even then, I can be surprised by reactions - my Mum (would have been in her 90s by now) was very underwhelmed when I told her (with great amusement) that one of her line in the 17th century had been done for shooting a trespasser... He got off. She didn't want people to know!

    This is my hobby, I don't have the right to upset people, especially where family relationships are concerned.
    The last line of your post probably sums it up. Keep it to yourself to avert catastrophe, and if you are going to share it make sure you're evidence is water-tight, the last thing you wanted to be doing is having a conversation with someone to tell them that the illegitimate grandma you told them about was in fact legitimated, you just hadn't found the marriage record.

    I can also understand people not wanting to know about recent discoveries, but the 1700s ffs?

  9. #9
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    There can be other issues such as for example child sex abuse or people in prison

  10. #10
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    If people ask me about what I have found out I tell them, albeit it I might temper it based on my knowledge of that person.

    However, there will always be those who only want a family history that "Hyacinth Bucket" would have been happy with - the truth being entirely unimportant. Thankfully I don't have any close relatives like that. I do remember many years ago being in the old St. Catherine's House where there was a very distressed lady who was disputed, in a very agitated, manner the veracity of the birth certificate that had been produced for her great granny or some such in the 1850s which had no father listed ..............

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