Do we have a right to know our parents?

[jeeb]

Hi All,
A friend was adopted in the late 1940's as a baby. She was told she was adopted from an early age but a 'stoney silence' has always surrounded the circumstances. With difficulty I think I have almost certainly discovered her real birth certificate and the name of her mother. I have also fairly certainly tracked down the mother's birth in 1926 which means she may be still alive. My friend is eager to find out more but there is a stumbling block. Her adoptive father remarried after the death of his first wife and the second wife is still alive and states quite clearly it was her late husband's wishes that his adopted daughter (my friend) does not know the truth of her birth. The second wife hints she knows but won't divulge anything. I suspect the moral issues of the time come into it.
Do you think we should all have the moral & legal right to know our true parentage when possible? I do.

Jeremy

[Mike_E]

Q. - Does your friend want to know who her birth parents were?

Q. - Did you come by the information in publicly available place?

If you answered yes to both of these questions, then I think she has the right to know. I don't think the second wife should be able to dictate to your friend.

If it was me, I'd like to know. This is my own personal view.

[jeeb]

Q. - Does your friend want to know who her birth parents were?

Q. - Did you come by the information in publicly available place?

If you answered yes to both of these questions, then I think she has the right to know. I don't think the second wife should be able to dictate to your friend.

If it was me, I'd like to know. This is my own personal view.

Thanks Mike, I agree, my friend does have the right to know and yes she does want to know. I have found the birth certificate from snippets of information my friend was able to give me. The surname is the same as on her adoption certificate but not the christian name and the birthdate is correct. The address on the certificate is the same as a house where she was shown as her birthplace by her adoptive mother at an early age. (This I find a strange thing for the adoptive mother to have done) The second wife insists on keeping to her late husband's wishes.
The mother's name on the birth certificate was not very common which has enabled me to locate her birth too. There seems an obvious answer to this but I don't think it is the case!

Jeremy

[Mutley]

When I became interested in the 'family history' I joined Genes Reunited, first port of call it was, then. I came across a posting from a woman looking for her father. From the information she had, I knew without a doubt, that it was my uncle.

I stared and stared at the request, what should I do? I felt so sorry for her. She will not find him from what little knowledge she had.

However, her birth was 50 years ago, his wife, children and grandchildren do not know anything about this child. He was a young teenager at the time (we were roughly the same age) and I just have vague memories of the 'trouble'.

I have done nothing, not told him, nor her. I do not know if I am right or wrong to do nothing. I know he would not want to know and I would not like his family, especially his children, to be upset by this. It is a worry that I carry.

Are there step siblings, who else would be involved if you told what you know. Is there a wider picture. How many people could be hurt?

A very hard decision, I wish you luck.....

[suedent]

I think that if the information is in the public domain then she should know. After all if it had been she, rather than you, that had learnt how to search the indexes etc she would have found the information for herself.

It would be an entirely different scenario should she have been unaware of the situation and you had uncovered it.

Whilst doing my research I have uncovered a few skeletons but unless someone makes a specific request (indicating that they knew the true situation rather than the family line) I keep quiet. There is no point upsetting people unecessarily.

For instance, I knew that my late mother-in-law's mother was in all likelihood illegitimate (& her great-grandmother was definitely illegitimate) but there was no point raising the issue with her as she was completely oblivious and it would have caused unecessary upset.

[v.wells]

If the adoptee is of legal age it doesn't matter whether the second wife likes it or not. It's none of her business. Just my opinion. Anyway, there are free National Registries to submit information and if both parties are looking for each other and agree then information is interchanged between them.

[Pam Downes]

Slightly O/T to the actual question, but I wonder if the adoptive father didn't want your friend to know the truth about her birth because either (a) he was actually the father, (b) she was the result of a one-night stand and apart from a first name, father's name completely unknown, (c) father was a big-time criminal or (d) she was the result of her mother being raped. (a) and (b) I think most of us could probably cope with. (c) would depend on the crime - GBH is one thing, murder completely different. But if it was (d) how many of us could really cope with that?
On the other hand, which is worse - knowing the circumstances, whatever they are, or not knowing?
Pam

[Diane Grant-Salmon]

Just my personal opinion, but I agree 100% with two messages posted in this thread.

The first by BoPeep: I believe that everyone, should they so chose, has the right to know their parentage.

The second by Vanessa: If the adoptee is of legal age it doesn't matter whether the second wife likes it or not. It's none of her business.

[Peter Goodey]

An adoptee has a legal 'right to know'.

https://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/adoptions/

[Jem2109]

2½ weeks ago a lady contacted me through GR saying that my Gran gave her up for adoption in 1943, my Gran has a very rare surname, and her forenames together are unique in the uk with the surname so it had to be her.

I was shocked but picked up the phone and called my dad and aunt straight away because I was scared that if I waited I would "bottle it", I was terrified of upsetting them. Dad (53) and Aunty (49) were surprised, but within less than 5 minutes both had said that if Y wanted to meet them they are happy to, they both took the news a lot better than I did delivering it, in fact aunty said she'd always wondered because Gran was so much older when she had dad and her. My cousins reaction was "wow, I've got an aunty!"

The run up to Christmas is a busy period for dad so it'll be after christmas when we meet, but not one of my family were upset by the revelation, instead they want to welcome this lady, sadly gran passed away 2½ years ago so a lot of questions may remain unanswered as non of us had any inkling about Y.

Your friend has a right to know, all Y wants is to know is what gran was like, and to have a photo, not much to ask for after 64 years, is it.