Witty exchanges Pilots vs Controllers

[Rove]

Actual exchanges between Pilots and Air Traffic Controllers



Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one in line for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down, nearly reaching the end of the runway.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able to.

If you are not able to,suggest you take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport when the traffic clears.

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'

BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.702.In fact we've already notified our "caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a

DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some

quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of old DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only

expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between

Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller

lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right

on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and

don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I

want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of

US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

[busyglen]

Brilliant! I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those, or have to work in air control!

Glenys

[Nicolina]

Brilliant. Brings back memories of working as a Cook in the Merchant Navy. Going through the Kiel Canal a message came over the radio advising a Captain that his 9 p.m. telephone call home had been connected. A very angry voice (in broken English) refused to take the call because it was 2 minutes early.
The reaction from our German Pilot is un-printable except to say that if he'd have been in his own country he'd still be waiting for another 2 hours.

[BeeE586]

I think I'm glad that I no longer fly, and if I had read these THEN, perhaps I never would.

Eileen

Actually I loved flying - could almost take off without the 'plane if I wasn't held down.

[Dorset Girl]

Has anybody ever heard "What Goes Up Must Come Down" by David Gunston I think it was? I believe he was a pilot at one point - the tape was made when he was an after dinner speaker at a function. It is one of the funniest things I have heard - from the pilots having gloves with L and R on them to the tales of the day the French controllers went on strike! Definitely worth a listen if you can get hold of a copy!!

[emeltee]

Dave Gunston was an Air Trafic Controller at Birmingham Airport (I think). What Goes up must come down was an after dinner speech he made and is definitely well worth listening to. I can assure you, though, that in Air Traffic Control, on a daily basis, those funnies are very few and far between unfortunately.
Emeltee

[Dorset Girl]

Dave Gunston was an Air Trafic Controller at Birmingham Airport (I think). What Goes up must come down was an after dinner speech he made and is definitely well worth listening to. I can assure you, though, that in Air Traffic Control, on a daily basis, those funnies are very few and far between unfortunately.
Emeltee

Thank you - yes he was a Contoller - I haven't listened to it for a while (it's on the old fashioned tape!!) and I must admit I am pleased to hear the funnies are few and far between - the thought of so many planes disappearing down into a tiny dot because of the cleaner is scary!!!

[Carmy]

Brilliant! Love them.

Then there's the old chestnut:

Controller: What is your height and position?
Pilot: I'm 6'2" and I'm sitting up the front.

[margarita]

Has anybody ever heard "What Goes Up Must Come Down" by David Gunston

We thought we had lost our copy when we moved house last year, but fortunately we found it when we were looking for something else - as you do!!

Regards,

maggie

[v.wells]

Had a good laugh but glad I don't fly anymore!