These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate has been hit by a car.
Paddy: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think he broke both his legs.
Operator: What is you location sir?
Paddy: Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you spell that sir?
Silence....(heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator; Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes, until.
Operator: Sir please answer me. Can you hear me?
Paddy: Yes, sorry bout dat. I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I dragged him around the corner to number 3 Oak Street

A snippet, apparently in The Telegraph, a Cabinet Minister in encouraging well off pensioners to send their extra benefits to the Treasury, is quoted as saying "I would encourage everybody who reads the Telegraph and doesn't need it to hand it back"

The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1993....

Virus Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm...... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Double enter sorry,-it's not that funny.
Perhaps a Mod will delete this one?

Having just checked out Archives to be sure this isn't a repeat, I got badly sidetracked, had a good giggle & left before I ran out of day. Hope this gives a few giggles with no offence.



1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How
about eggs ? . . .
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look there anyway?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.I realized that I couldn't find the rake..
I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies:


"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

My spectacled aura sent in this one!

Sandra, whose spectacled aura is somewhat weightless.

I just had to share this with you - Alfred Fuller's disability claim (for an ulcer) after serving with the Lincolnshire's in WW1 (original spellings):

"I poisoned my leg while puting up defence work and the docters have told me I am flat footed.
I were nothing near so bad as I am now or they wouldnt have passed me which as been brought on through excessif marching."

Can't you just hear him? :biggrin:

Jane

source: Anc****y WW1 Service Records, FUL, page 23062

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..