We are getting divorced !

[Rove]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No Way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,

"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving.

[Lynda Cunningham]

Hee Hee :D

Happy Thanksgiving

best wishes
Lynda

[Ladkyis]

This is a thanksgiving story that has made me laugh for at least 5 years.

http://www.petuniapress.com/turkey3.htm

Every year I am reminded about the celebrations and I go to this page and every year it makes me cry with laughter,

Ann

[Scottie]

Dear Ann,
that is superb <vbg>. Made me laugh off and on for ages.

[Ladkyis]

I only have to think "self cleaning oven" and I'm away again. It is as good at the instructions on how to give a cat a tablet.

Ann

[BeeE586]

Ann

Crush tablet to a fine powder between two spoons and mix with food, but make sure the cat is hungry or it will sniff and walk away. Always worked with mine

Eileen -- |cheers|

[LynA]

Ann

Crush tablet to a fine powder between two spoons and mix with food, but make sure the cat is hungry or it will sniff and walk away. Always worked with mine

Eileen -- |cheers|Crushed tablet offered to cat in a spoonful of dressed crab always worked for me. He loved his "treat". |laugh1|

Lynda

[Ladkyis]

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position the right forfinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. cradle ct in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

continued..

[Ladkyis]

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed and get another pill. place cat in cupboard and close door on neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus jab. throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

continued

[Ladkyis]

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Get partner to drive you to ER and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call at furniture store on way home to order new dining table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

continued

[Ladkyis]

1. Wrap it in bacon

[arthurk]

(How to give a dog a tablet) - 1. Wrap it in bacon
The dog or the tablet?

Arthur

[Ladkyis]

yes Arthur

[GeoffD]

My coat of arms ties at the back ... Ladkyis, that is the sort of saying that everybody wishes they'd thought of earlier!

I think you should offer it to Mythology - very apt, if his stories of wyaward family members are anything to go by.

[Ladkyis]

Geoff

I wish I could lay claim to it but I can't. I saw it somewhere - in a list of other funny phrases for the genealogy addi...hobbyist - wrote it down in a notebook and promptly forgot all about it until I was searching for something else.
Sometimes I am glad I never throw anything away. The whole thing reads
"my family coat of arms ties at the back - is this right?" but the signature thingy on here will only take so many characters.
Ann

[Ajay]

I appreciate the story of the Amercian couple but a similar thing happened to me many years ago. I had not seen my parents for well over a year due to work and family commitments. My mother rang me to say that my father was very ill and was anxious to see me before he died. Pulling out all stops to arrange for cover at work I travelled the 200 miles only to find my father alive and well like a two year old. When I made some caustic remark my mother's retort was "well we haven't seen you for a long time". At the time I was well over 40 but felt to feel like a naughty schoolboy.

[BeeE586]

I love this Forum to bits - such a lot to be learned about almost every subject under the sun, Genealogy included. Ladkyis, (the wicked witch) your cat and the pill story is so funny, and a lot of it is true as I found to my cost when I had cats. Quite how one of mine could lick every scrap of food from his bowl but leave all the powdered pill I never did discover. Never tried him with crab, his favourite 'treat' was a tinned pilchard.

Eileen

PS Please may we have a picture of the first dog to be wrapped in bacon ?